#so I tried to bring up a common compulsion I have (the bathroom has an ant probelm so I get worried that ants get on the towels)

[freddyyeti]

Y’know sometimes I forget that it is Not a good idea to talk mental health stuff with my mom because This Is My Mom We’re Talking About 9 times out of ten reasoning with her is like talking to a brick wall

[whump-town]

Beth

I feel like I never see any Hotch/Beth stories so here is my contribution. Beth got done so dirty by the writers and I’ll never forgive them for that. She could have made Hotch happy...

It doesn’t take long for Beth to realize that her perfect man-- come on, how often do they come tall, handsome, sweet, athletic, and as good fathers?-- isn’t all that perfect. He’s strange and it’s just as enchanting as his goofy laugh but there are just elements to him that she can’t understand. She finds herself itching to pick him apart but something tells her she’s messing with Pandora’s box. Is breaking him worth understanding him?

He freezes. 

It’s like a glitch in his hardware. There’s this spot where the kitchen meets the living room of his apartment and it’s the only place the glitch occurs. She’d noticed it about a month into dating him and the first time she’d laughed a little, surprised by the look on his face. It was a shock factor kind of laugh, inappropriate, and wrong enough to make her cheeks flush. He hadn’t noticed. His eyes were glued to the carpet. 

His face was pinched in concentration. Dark brows furrowed and shoulders tightly pulled back. It’s complete unease and tension like she’s never seen before. For a moment, it kind of scares her. He’s got this lost look in his eyes. Wherever he is when he’s looking at that spot in the carpet, he’s not here. He’s not anywhere she can reach him. 

The thing is, no matter how many times she looks at that spot… she can’t see what he sees. There’s a bit of a disturbance in the fibers that form an edge. It looks like someone might have replaced a section of the carpet but it’s nearly impossible to tell or even be certain. 

As curious as she is, she also can’t find the courage to ask. Something… Something tells her she doesn’t want to know.

Still, she can’t help but turn a curious eye to this perfect man. He’s got flaws, like anyone. It’s hard to get past his defenses and it’s a slowly learned lesson forming an understanding of his love. When they argue, he gets desperate. Voice hoarse but he never raises it, not even when she wants to shout. It’s hard to place her importance to him but whenever she starts to doubt his love he swoops back in. It’s a tiring thing, being pushed and pulled away.

He catches her smiling at him and his heart leaps to his throat. It’s hard being Hotch here, with her. So hard to keep the emotions at bay or within his control. “Wh-What?” he asks. His cheeks flush, unsure of what to do under her attention and not used to anyone really looking at him. Not with the love, he thinks he sees in her dark eyes-- but maybe he’s just imagining that. 

She kisses him. Smiling when he works a hand to the back of her head, pulling her closer. 

Another thing she’s noticed… he never takes his shirt off. The sex is amazing. No matter how “rusty” he’d claimed to be. He also never initiates sex. It’s not a subject to talk about or even one they really dwell on. Unless she starts putting on the “moves” nothing happens. She really can’t complain. Men can be pushy and demanding, a huge turnoff and red flag. Not Aaron. 

She smiles into their kiss and playfully runs the back of her finger across the little bit of stomach his shirt has risen up to expose. He reacts as she expects, shirking away with a choked laugh. It’s positive reinforcement. Deepening their kiss, she sneaks her hand the rest of the way under his shirt. Gently, waiting and feeling every bit of his nervous inhale, she places her hand against his fluttering stomach. 

“Okay?” she asks.

He nods. 

She’s not sure what she’s expecting to find. 

“They--They,” his chest keeps it’s panicked rise and fall. Not quite full breathes. “It’s just-- they’re just… I can’t--”

George Foyet. He won’t ever tell her much more than what she has to know. That he hurt Aaron and killed Jack’s mother Haley. She’s seen glimpses of the scars. He’s very good at hiding them. She’s very aware of his medicine cabinet, even if she’s not aware of the scars. 

Clomipramine. She’s aware of the panic attacks and compulsivity he can fall into. The way that he checks the locks four times every night before he can fall asleep. Some nights venturing back out two more times to make sure. Hypervigilance but also if he doesn’t do this, he knows he’ll wake up and they’ll all be gone. Beth. Jack. Dead. She’s seen the nightmares. 

Xanax. A medication that’s supposed to bring relief in 30 minutes but she’s sat on the bathroom floor while he’s sobbed. Choking on the air his lungs struggle to bring in. 30 minutes is a very long time to watch someone you love panic in pain. Convinced of something that you can’t even understand and they can’t explain. The AS NEEDED label had once convinced her it was of less importance. She’s certain that over the course of the last few years she’s nursed him through taking the medication more times than she ever has anything else. 

He’d taken Lexapro for two years. It’d stopped working and that had been an awful thing to watch. She’d sat with him through the detox, trying to convince him to eat and shower when his brain slowly tried to kill him. 

That’s not even the beginning. There’s an entire cocktail of anticoagulants and common over the counter things that he has to take. Some for old wounds and others for his forever skewed blood pressure and damaged vessels and arties. She just knows-- five in the morning with his coffee, three at night before bed. 

But he’s… better. 

He’ll make little jokes about her profiling abilities. The way she’ll steady his hands in her own and softly encourage him to go take a Xanax. Often just pulling him to her chest, stilling his anxious movement until his breathing has slowed and he never gets the chance to panic. 

That’s why she stops. Hands drawing away from his chest, she cups his cheeks. “Aaron,” she whispers holding him close. Keeping calm while his hands move over her back. A motion she understands. He’s trying to reassure himself that she’s real. She’s here. She won’t let him forget that. “I love you,” she whispers.

He pulls back to look at her. Eyes darting between hers so really place what he’s seeing. To pick up on the little cues she exhibits when lying. 

“I love you,” she says again, conviction strong and palm warm against his cheek. 

He averts his eyes but turns his head to her palm. “You sure?” he asks teasingly, tear streaking down his cheek. 

She brushes it away. “Most of the time.”

[0h-you-kn0w]

Random tlh headcanons

The Loud siblings each have their own tiktok and are on different tiktoks, sometimes they'll show up on eachothers fyp and it's sweet because they get so excited for eachother ❤️

Luan knows the basic chords to the guitar and will sometimes play a lil silly song whenever she feels like it (Luan: anyway here's wonderwall-)

Since he's been Lynn's sparring partner/punching bag since he was able to walk, Lincoln's probably the only one out of all their siblings to keep up with her (when he actually tries that is)

Lana makes mudpies in the shape of hearts when someone is sad

Since our mans has 10 sisters, this is bound to happen. Lincoln low key keeps a little compact for makeup in case of a "Makeup Emergency" (he usually carries it around during pageant season)

Lori calls Lincoln "little gamer" whenever he gets anxiety attacks

Speaking of, our boy probably gets diagnosed with general anxiety disorder by Lisa and his only reaction is: "it be like that ✨"

Lynn and Lincoln got into an argument over who would rock a skirt better so they threw a lil fashion show competition and Lincoln won

Luna smoked one (1) cigarette one time at a concert and she cried of how bad it tasted and how it hurt her lungs

That doesn't stop her from smoking weed but aight queen

Leni, Lincoln, Lola, and (surprisingly) Lucy go get manicures every two weeks

The "Treat Yo Self" bit from parks and recs is SO Lori and Leni (Lincoln is the one who dresses like batman)

Every Mother's Day since they became friends, Clyde would bring Lincoln's mom a bouquet of flowers and some chocolates since she's probably the closest thing he has to a mother figure

Lola speaks like Stan Twitter

Lori, Leni, Luan and Lincoln talk like gen z bitches in the tiktok comments

Luan accidentally taught Lily how to say "Periodt ✨"

Lynn has OCD, that's why she's so dead set on her superstitions and routines, this is also why she's obsessed with sports and winning and why she doesn't actually believe that she's that good of a player so she relies on her compulsions (good luck rituals) to adhere to her obsession (winning in sports)

The kids make a bathroom schedule based on how long they spend in there. It goes shortest to longest (shortest being Lana, longest being Leni)

Luan regularly gets detention for pulling pranks on either her peers of the faculty (she even got suspended once or twice)

Lincoln is Pan-romantic, Lynn is Bi-romantic, Luna's bi (obviously), Luan is also Pan, Leni too. Lori's straight lmao

Lucy most definitely put a curse or too on her bullies

Lori would probably have to room with a bunch of people at college because she literally cannot handle living without 4 or more people at a time (gets too quiet for her)

Whenever her sibling's bring their s/o to the house, Lola would go and personally invite them to tea and cookies in her room (where she goes and interrogates them to see if they're worthy), with Lincoln as the butler of course (he does it voluntarily bc he wants in on the interrogation)

Sam and Benny are by far her favourite guests as Lola loves the dramatic flair Benny brings to the tea table, and Sam's vibes are just immaculate.

Lincoln's definitely the best dancer out of the whole clan (Lisa comes in a close second)

Speaking of, Lisa probably swears the most because of how often she listens to rap (she said fuck once and Lori flipped the FUCK out), Lynn comes in second for once, then Luan, and then Lincoln (shocking I know but he's earned it)

I like to think Lincoln is albino (fuck what the writers say, boy has white hair) and most people with albinism have sight problems (mostly trouble processing lots of light at once), so he ends up needing glasses when he enters highschool

He also has a special sunscreen so his skin doesn't hurt in direct sunlight. He also can't tan

Lori has contacts but has a spare pair of glasses that she wears when she's too lazy to put in her contacts (like on the weekends or when she's sick)

Benny is Jewish! He takes his religion very seriously, and is most definitely Kosher. When they get older, Luan considers converting to Judaism (so she can make a bunch of jewish jokes but shh) and they raise their kids with both jewish and catholic teachings

The Louds are Catholic btw, but they only go to church on Christmas and Easter. They're one of those families (like mine lmao)

They have slumber parties whenever there's a long weekend, braid train sessions are very common (Lincoln, Luna, and Lisa are the caboose), they have pillow fights (Lynn yeeted her mattress at Lincoln once), and put all the pillows and blankets on the floor and sleep in a big ole blanket nest together (gotta have some family time bruvs)

Feel free to add on! 👁️👄👁️

[ottostherapy]

Forbidden love

Pansy Parkinson x Slytherin!Reader

summary: 5.th year Slytherin dormroom conversation between Pansy, Daphne and the Reader lead to a weird role-play in the halls until the fellow Slytherins bring firewhiskey. A truth and a dare later Pansy and the Reader find themselves in an awkward position.

Word count: 3368

a/n: Okay. I have been inactive for a few years now, I know. I thought I had deleted this account to be honest, I reckon I haven’t. I am completely obsessed with the Wizarding World at the moment and I had this funny idea about writing a Pansy Parkinson fanfic/imagine (because I only found a few asking auntie google).

„Okay now. Y/N, your turn.” Pansy Parkinson was stretched on her sheets, prone with her head supported by her hands, legs dangling in the air, her feet furiously paddling forth and back. “Let’s go with Vincent Crabbe, Marcus Flint and …”, she frowned.

“Percy Weasley!” Daphne Greengrass, currently right next to me, tugged comfortably under my blankets, feet intertwined, exclaimed, chuckling.

I rolled my eyes. My best friends shot each other a glance, holding in laughter. They, of course, knew all too well I didn’t approve of their choices.

“I’ll most definitely kill Marcus, have you guys ever looked at him?” I shivered. “I might marry Percy of all of them, after all, he was headboy a few years ago and he seems to be quite … decent.” I puckered my lips.

Pansy in her own bed, like the princess she was, snorted. “You’d have to deal with a dozen of the other red-headed Weasleys then!”

“Still better than Vince to be blunt. Imagine having to follow him following Draco all day long.” I snapped the chocolate frog out of Daphne’s hand and beheaded it. She pouted.

“Oh my, my. Wouldn’t that be perfect, Y/N? Maybe you could start a steamy love affair.” Pansy grinned turning to her side. Her hand now ruffled in her dark hair, with that sly smile plastered to her lips, raised an eyebrow at me. Her black pyjama had given in to gravity, entwining around her waist.

“Isn’t he reserved for you, Pans?” I said, trying to swallow the bitter tone, that had settled on the back of my tongue.

“Would you stop talking about Draco?” Daphne shoved the last piece of chocolate into her mouth. “I perfonnally fink he if no-boyfriend material”, she licked the tips of her fingers, “and both of you know that!” Daphne had never been fond of Draco, even though we technically were friends. To some degree at least.

“I don’t even want to be more then whatever we are right now”, I crossed my arms over my torso, expecting Pansy to repeat after me, however she didn’t.

She just shrugged. “I don’t really mind. He has a cute side to him, don’t you think?”

I silently exchanged disgusted look with Daphne.

“No, Pansy. I tend to not think about him ever too often … Actually I tend to not think at all, I heard it endangers my stupidity, so I’m limiting that, maybe you should try it out as well.” It would definitely do her better than frequently thinking about the blonde boy.

“Well Y/N, I am certainly not surprised, I always knew there was something intriguing about you … I just never came around to figure out what it was.” Pansy shot me a smirk and her eyebrow popped again. This girl, Merlin!

“Oh, and I always thought it was my astonishing looks.” I snickered.

“No.” If I didn’t know better, I’d interpret Pansy’s rose cheeks for a blush maybe, for a flirtatious side-effect even, but I knew better. “I admire your boldness however, Miss Y/L/N. Maybe you have been sorted into the wrong house.” She sat up, hovered her bare feet over the stone floor. “We could be living a forbidden romance, imagine.” To my luck she turned the lights off, tapping off to the bathroom.

I, however, felt my cheeks burning, felt flustered, felt excited. How was Pansy so dreadfully playful with people around her. I knew not to dwell on the feeling she had me at right now, she was princess charming, not only with me. Sometimes I felt as though she needed to push every door open, to have any possibility and I wasn’t sure if it was a compulsive behaviour or if she just had fun doing it.

I snapped out of my thoughts when a warm finger brushed against mine. “Don’t you worry about it.” Daphne whispered. “She’ll realise eventually.” The blonde girl wrapped her arms around me and I sighted.

“How did you know?” I had always been careful to tell secrets, but this one, I hadn’t intended for anyone to find out. Not even Daphne after all.

“Come on, Y/N! I’ve known you for 13 years, don’t you think I can read your emotions by now?” Well, I certainly couldn’t read hers …

As the next morning rose, I was still caught up in the events, that happened last night. My gaze was dancing out of the window – the dim morning sky painted clouds all over the horizon – over to Pansy Parkinson. She was in a deep slumber, her face relaxed, even though her eyelids twitched from time to time.

I remembered her lips touching my forehead ever so slightly in the dark room. “We could be an adventure, darling!” She had whispered before turning to go to sleep herself.

Daphne had snuck her arm around my waist, pulling me close to her body. I knew she just wanted to help, but her embrace had made me feel even worse. I longed for the other girls’ touch, for her body to warm me up, for her to give me comfort. But there was no way Pansy would ever be mine.

I exhaled heavily before getting off to the bathroom. At least this way none of us had to fight for the sink and toilet.

As I was almost done, the door opened and in walked a very sleepy Pansy. She rubbed her Puppy eyes, blinking at me.

“Love”, she whispered. “I didn’t expect you here this early in the morning.” She walked over to me. “How did you get in?”

I gave her a look of confusion. “Are you alright, Pansy?” I handed her her green toothbrush.

“Hush, love.” Her eyes widened. “No one has to know.” She breathed, preparing her toothbrush, stuck it into her mouth. “Don’t shoo remember? Our forbibben love!” She found a loose strand of Y/H/C hair to tuck behind my ear. Her delicate hand brushed against my skin, leaving a tray of tickles. What was happening?

For a moment we stood in front of each other, eying the other girl up and down. Pansy, even with the toothbrush in her mouth, with messy hair, in a wrinkled pyjama made my heart beat faster. Made butterflies whirr around my stomach, made my breath hitch.

She gave me a sleek smile. Could she possibly know?

“Eh, Y/L/N! Cut my ingredients for me?” Pansy pointed to the flobberworm in front of her.

“What is she up to?” I mouthed to Daphne.

She shrugged, but gave me a light push.

“Why should I cut your flobblewobble, Pans?” I felt weirdly intrigued.

“Because I want you to.” She snorted. “You don’t want to get on Snape’s bad side, do you?”

“Pansy, I am not a Gryffindor.” I laughed, even though her determined role-play turned me on. Just a tad bit.

“There’s no denying it, Y/L/N” Pansy crept behind me and pushed her arms to the desk on either side of my body. “Do as you’re told”, she commanded, her voice cold and stern, but she added a muffled “Love” right into my ear.

I felt my knees weaken and decided it would probably be best to obey.

And so I found myself between Pansy’s arms over and over again with her head over my shoulder, watching closely. It went thus far, that Snape gave her a detention for distracting me. She just snickered and I could swear to have heard her say “worth it” as I walked back to Daphne.

The weeks flew by quickly, while the new self-proclaimed head-mistress professor Umbride prohibited almost everything, Pansy still found ways to get me all flustered.

She would place her hand on my thigh when sitting next to each other, pulled me in by my waist to mutter words like “love” or “darling” to me. She made the good-night kisses to my forehead a tradition and sometimes she would come so close to me, I felt her heart race in her chest.

I had realised by now that the feeling was mutual, I wasn’t stupid after all, but I enjoyed being the centre of her undivided attention. If it were up to me, you’d keep up that game she was playing. Granted I liked being her toy, I liked, that she had to know I went mad for everything she did to me, for every feeling, for every little touch.

One day I found myself in the Slytherin common room, accompanied by a large group of my friends. I sat next to Daphne at the large table, attempting to ignore my yelling classmates to write an essay for the transfiguration class. Next to Daphne sat her younger sister Astoria, snickering with two other girls of her year.

Right by the fireside, plopped onto one of the couches, lay Pansy. Her head was nestled in Dracos lap, her knees were bent over the armrest. She had her eyes on me, watching my every move.

I tried to blend it out as best as I could, but my thoughts came back to her piercing brown eyes. My ears were pointed towards their conversation, anticipating Pansy to make a move.

“Honestly, I cannot believe the ministry is that stupid.” Blaise Zabini, a tall boy from my year and a dear friend, sneered.

He was sat opposite to the fire place in an emerald, velvety armchair. All I was able to see from my place was his shaved black hair, but I was certain, he was holding the Daily Prophet, since he was invested in politics.

“They were stupid enough to not lock our parents up in Azkaban.” Draco grimaced. “This has been long overdue.”

Pansy shot up. “Draco, you don’t really think You-know-who will make things better”, she glared at him.

He shrugged. “At least the mudbloods would vanish.”

“Yes, they would, and our backbone as well.” She jumped to her feet. “Just because your parents are his pets, doesn’t mean he treats all his followers with mercy!” Angrily she paced around the small table in the middle of the sofas. “I heard him using the Cruciatus Curse on my mother in the summer, because he perceived my parents disloyal.”

You jumped as she kicked the table. Hesitantly you stood up from your chair.

“I am scared, Draco.” She continued then with a thrilling tone. “And you should be, too!” She allowed herself to fall back to her previous place, however she didn’t consider flopping back to his lap. Instead she waved me over imperiously.

I had my eyes plastered to the ground as I sat down between her and Draco. I felt grateful for my parents not being Death Eaters, I felt grateful I didn’t wake up at nights shivering, I didn’t have to shriek in my slumber, but I felt anxious as well. Unlike many other students, I had no point in denying the dark lord was back, for all your fellow students said.

“I have to admit”, Blaise raised his voice after what felt like an eternity of silence, “I am equally averse.” He pondered, folding the paper in his hand. “I just don’t think we’re standing a chance with these idiots making decisions.”

I felt Pansy’s head resting on my shoulder and a shiver ran down my spine.

Draco on my other side uttered profanities. He knew they were right, but he enjoyed being important. He enjoyed it over the cost it took.

“I hate this.” He groaned, bending forward to hide his face in his hands. Maybe Pansy was right, he could be cute sometimes. When he forgot that he actually was a git.

Nobody dared to object. We just sat for a while, a mutual silence wavering over our heads. Even Astoria and her gang had muted their voices. I wanted to shoot a glance to Daphne, but I didn’t dare breaking the moment.

If the Dark Lord was to recruit my friends, what would I do? Stand my ground? Follow them? Maybe I would just pretend to be too stupid to become one of them. Would he kill me, if he thought I was merely a squib? Or would I have the chance to just stay in the background? I didn’t ever want to find out.

The four of us were jolted out of our thoughts by the lovely “Hello, fuckers!” Millicent Bulstrode threw at us as she entered the common room. She was followed by Vincent Crabbe and Gregory Goyle, who were only ever called by their surnames.

“You will not believe what we managed to sneak in here!” Triumphantly she looked over all of our faces. Crabbe and Goyle grinned stupidly.

Bulstrode shooed Daphne over to where we sat, so our year was almost fully assembled around the small table.

“What is it you have?” Pansy asked, slightly annoyed. She wrapped her hands around my waist, pulling me tighter. She hid her face into the fabric of my grey sweater.

“Firewhiskey!” Bulstrode grinned, taking the brown bottle out of her robe.

“Where’d you get that?” Draco snapped.

“Filch’s office. He had confiscated it from some stupid seventh year Gryffindors, so we confiscated it from him. The pink monster wouldn’t want to find her favourite man drinking, would she?” Bulstrode grunted.

She was a big girl with a big attitude. She stomped over anything in her way and I was lucky enough to have only been once a thorn in her side.

“Well, I am down.” Blaise said. He looked exhausted.

“Yeah, Bullstrode!” Pansy cheered. “That actually is exactly what I need right now.”

“Don’t you think she is going to find out?” Daphne carefully opposed.

Crabbe shook his head. “No one would suspect us, Daphne. We are good students, we behave. She will probably accuse the Weasleys.”

Daphne tilted her head. “Fair point. Let’s play a game then!”

“Truth or Dare!” Pansy decided quickly. Her spirit awakening again. Her head left my shoulder, her hands drawing back to her own body.

I pouted visibly and she gave me a laugh. “Imagine what this game has to offer, love”, she breathed into my ear.

“Okay, I go first!” Goyle exclaimed. He looked challengingly at Bulstrode.

The girl rolled her eyes at him “Dare.” And so she came back 2 minutes later, spilling her entire gathering of sweets to the ground and took a sip, just for the fun. Thus, every one took a sip for fun.

I could feel the alcohol burn its way down my throat. The first few rounds we repeated the procedure, finding out Crabbe had a crush on Hannah Abbott, Blaise had once skinny dipped with Theodore Nott and Daphne certainly did not enjoy giving Draco a lap dance. He didn’t either.

I felt my cheeks burn as my best friend returned to the opposite sofa, crimson-headed. Bulstrode and Goyle laughed malicious laughs at her, handing the bottle over to Pansy.

She took a long sip and handed the bottle over to me. Her cheeks were as red as I imagined mine to be, plus I already felt a tad light-headed, so I passed, handing Draco the bottle. His pale skin had turned a little green, or was that the light? I couldn’t tell.

He as well took a long sip and gulped down the burning liquid. “Dare.” He said, putting the bottle to the middle of the table.

It was Daphne’s turn to set him a task, but she seemed to have lost her voice to her performance, so I quickly chimed in: “I dare you to kiss the cutest person in this room!” Only after I had said my words, I realised he would most likely turn to Pansy for that. Ouch. Why so stupid?

“Out of our round or out of this room?” Blaise enquired. Eyeing to the table where Astoria and her friends were still chatting.

“Room is what I said.” I repeated, hoping Blaise knew something I didn’t.

Draco shook his head. “Can I just drink?” He hissed.

“Nuh-uh.” Pansy had a devilish grin on her face. “You either do the dare or you have to take an article of clothing off … Along with the alcohol, of course.”

Considering the fact, he was only wearing his white shirt, and black school trousers the undressing would be interesting.

Draco glared at Pansy. “I know whom I had to kiss if Y/N had said the most obnoxious person.” He rose from the sofa and walked around the black piece of furniture. He stopped behind Pansy, bowing down to her. His face had changed from green to a light pink.

My fingernails dug into the soft skin of my palms. Of course he was going to kiss Pansy, why didn’t I think beforehand?

Draco’s face came closer to Pansy’s, who had laid her head to her neck. She didn’t even seem to mind.

Right as Draco was to connect their lips, he grimaced. “Ew.” He pulled away.

“You still need to do the dare”, Pansy snickered. Arrogant, as she was, her arm lurked around my shoulder, pulling me into her chest. “You wouldn’t think I’d kiss Draco before you, love, now would you?” I stiffened. Would she? I couldn’t tell. After all this was just a game.

Pansy placed a kiss to my nose, chuckling at me.

While she tried to cuddle me up, Draco walked over to the table. I was sure he had never been so insecure in his whole life. Attentively he tapped her shoulder. We watched as they exchanged a few words.

Suddenly Daphne stood behind him, fuming. “You are not kissing my little sister!” She dragged him back to our table by his wrist. Much to the displeasure of Astoria, who looked after him in her sisters grip dreamily.

Draco and Daphne both seemed relieved as they sat down.

“Pansy. Truth or dare?” Draco immediately shot at the brown-haired girl.

She smirked “Truth.” She fluttered her eyelashes.

“Tell us what you dreamt last night”, Draco demanded.

Pansy turned bright red. I turned my face to look her in the eyes, but she avoided mine. Carefully she opened the buttons to her white blouse.

I gasped. What had she dreamt that she would rather take off her shirt than tell us? Also why did Draco know? Why had she told him about it and not me?

Dracos eyes had a devilish shine. “Well I guess since Pansy couldn’t speak the truth, I can challenge another person.”

No one disagreed, Pansy shivered.

She was wearing a black bra, her skin was patchy, whether it was the alcohol or her embarrassment, she tried to hide it. Her arms crossed in front of her bust.

“Goyle has not been truth or dared yet”, Goyle said, but Draco shook his head.

“I was thinking about Y/N.” I snapped. What was he planning?

“Y/N/N, what do you think?” Draco wrapped his arm around me, pulling me to his side.

What had I, everyone wanted to hug me so badly?

“Dare.” I shoved Dracos arm away.

“That’s what I was hoping for.” He stood up. “I think we are all ready for a snogging session between you and Pansy, five minutes at least and make it entertaining.” He squeezed in between Daphne and Goyle.

“Erm.” I looked over to Pansy. She snorted.

“Really Malfoy?”, she spat. “You do us a favour?”

Draco shrugged. “You’re getting on my nerves. She’s all you’re ever talking about.”

Now was my turn to blush. I was all Pansy ever talked about?

I scooped over, sudden courage flooding my veins.

She took my face into her hands, her soft hands, and smiled shyly at me before I closed the gap between our lips.

I could taste the firewhisky on her lips. I closed my eyes. My heart throbbed against her bare chest and I couldn’t stop my hands from touching her.

She was left with goosebumps under my fingertips. I stroke over her waist to which I earned a whimper from her lips. She arched her back to the direction of my body.

It was funny seeing how she had been so demanding and dominant in the last weeks, but was now melting to my every touch. Oh how she was crazy for me, too.

[geekgirles]

Lila is not a sociopath. Stop spreading false information

Are you sure about that, though?

It's true a character's sociopathy will not be openly discussed or addressed in a kids show, the same way it doesn't outright mention the several issues Adrien's developing as a side effect of his father's neglecting parenting. But those are things that can be sensed, and that's when fans who enjoy analyses, such as myself, step in to help.

Leaving aside that I find your accusation of me spreading false information uncalled for, I feel obliged to tell you, in the most respectful way possible, that this is an opinion shared by many and backed by many others through throughout observation.

There is one particular post that explores the possibility of Lila being a sociopath in depth, however, I won't share it nor tag its origins because I don't want to put its OP in a difficult position. But I assure you, if you just type in the search bar something like "ML Lila is a sociopath", it should appear.

With your permission, I'm going to explain why I agree Lila Rossi is indeed a sociopath. This is an analysis on a character, so I won't tag it as hate, please, forgive me if it does look like it at any moment.

The first thing that should be addressed is Lila's knack for lying; very common in sociopaths.

Ever since Volpina, the ML team has made it clear that Lila's most distinctive trait is her compulsive lying. Her possible sociopathy is heavily hinted on this; in every single episode she's been in, she's lied about her past: 

Every single famous person she claims to have met.

 All her travels.

The various selfless actions she's done (such as saving Jagged Stone's kitten).

Being saved and best friends with Ladybug.

Living in Japan (supposedly).

Creating "Freestyle Clash 2".

If that weren't enough, not only does Lila lie with every breath, but she fiercely defends each lie. Proof of this are her reactions whenever one of her lies has been exposed or she meets someone who's aware of her tendencies.

In Volpina, after Ladybug exposed her, her second highest priority besides introducing her alter ego and trying to get rid of Ladybug was going to Adrien as her akumatised self to convince him she wasn't lying.

Then, in Chameleon, she covered up the lie about her wrist saying she'd only caught the napkin because it could've hurt Max, and later, when no one who doesn't know the truth was around to force her to act friendly, she coldly refused Adrien's request of her being more honest and furiously exclaimed the liar was Ladybug, not her. 

And before it's pointed out, she only calmly dismissed Marinette's attempt at exposing her with another lie in Catalyst because, as I implied before, there were too many people present to let her façade drop.

Not to mention the great lengths she goes to to make her lies more believable or avoid getting caught in said lie. In her debut, it was the necklace she bought to convince Adrien of her false superhero heritage. In Catalyst, she took the phone from her mother to prevent her from finding out the truth and talk with Mr. Damocles, as well as claiming he was akumatised too. In Oni-chan, she used every single piece of information Adrien had shared in the car to make her lies convincing enough to be allowed inside the mansion.

Another trait shared by sociopaths that Lila has demonstrated as well is her incapability to acknowledge her own faults, something that can be linked to her being immature.

This particular trait was shown again in Volpina, Catalyst and Chameleon: 

In Volpina, she blamed Ladybug for ruining her chances with Adrien. And while the superheroine played an important part in that, we must remember it'd also been Lila's fault for lying in the first place.

In Catalyst, while Lila was watching the news on her laptop right before Gabriel threw the bomb, she was, ironically, accusing the superhero of everything she had done both as herself and Volpina; lying, cowardice (she used her illusions to do her dirty job for her, instead of actually facing the heroes) and treason (her whole plan as Volpina was gaining their trust to betray them later, so…).

In Chameleon, she still blamed Ladybug for what'd happened at the park, claiming the superheroine had been the one who lied, not her.

Another thing linked to immaturity and sociopathy is not learning from one's mistakes, which, considering Lila keeps getting akumatised (now willingly), lying with every breath and has made no attempt at being more honest of a better person in general, I would honestly associate to her as well.

There's also the fact that sociopaths tend to display a violent behaviour; in Lila's case, although she keeps her mask around many people, whenever she has the chance to show her true colours, she takes advantage of it to the fullest. For starters, as Volpina, though they were actually illusions, she threatened Ladybug a total of three times with very aggressive scenarios; she "trapped" her under the threat of missiles, she pretended to blow down a building and to kidnap and endanger Adrien's life. As herself, though, she cornered Marinette in the bathroom and gave her an ultimatum, she tends to throw away her stuff whenever she's angry, she let her disdain towards  Kagami, Ladybug, Marinette, Chloé and Nino show and, as Chameleon she went and publicly tainted Adrien's reputation as well as proceed and furiously fight Ladybug.

Another aspect of Lila's character that backs this up is the way she reacts to minor offenses; again, Chameleon is the perfect example for this type of behaviour; especially the way she tries to get even from Adrien as Chameleon when the most harm he's done is nicely requesting her to stop lying, something he's in his right to do since Lila's the one trying to become a part of his life, not the other way around.

I also want to take the opportunity to point out something that I've discussed several times before; Lila declared war at Marinette even when she hadn't actually picked a side herself. Just by watching the last minutes of the episode it's easy to notice there's nothing that could be taken as a declaration of war from Marinette's part, she even let Lila's slip up about which one of her ears had the tinnitus slide and didn't interact with her again until the very last minute; when Lila herself made her her arch-rival. So why does Lila hate her with a passion now when she was previously willing to give her a second chance? Easy, because she was jealous Adrien had chosen Marinette over her; again, a minor offense. Especially because it was Adrien's decision, not Marinette's doing.

On the other hand, there's the thing with Lila's belief of being better than everyone else. She clearly says, when comparing Marinette to the others, that she thinks they're dumb. Just like she thinks herself as the best option to become the one closest to Adrien; deeming Chloé of tacky, Marinette of being "a dummy" and even badmouthing Nino; when two of the three aforementioned teens hadn't done anything to her, they hadn't even doubted her claims (in Chloé's case, at least not until she talked about her secret formula to call Ladybug). This is something she also shows when akumatised, she considered Volpina to be the best hero of Paris (going as far as saying she was the only hero the city needed), when Gabriel was putting her persona down compared to Ladybug she reacted strongly (even if Volpina was, indeed, a bad copy of a superhero) and as Chameleon she kept on underestimating Ladybug.

Lila has a knack for isolating people, both personally and using other means to do so. She's done it herself when she went after Marinette when she was in the toilet (I won't disregard the possibility that she might've offered to go instead of Alya or any other classmate in an attempt to win her over as well), she always talks to Adrien when the two are alone, even going as far as looking for a place where it can be just the two of them (the library in Volpina, the locker room in Chameleon, which she used to lock him and get a kiss to transform, or his house in Oni-chan) and she talked to Chloé when only Sabrina was present, who, unfortunately, doesn't have that much of a presence.

And as for the other means, if you think about it that's exactly her goal regarding her issues with Marinette and Adrien; she wants to isolate Marinette to get rid of her, and thus, the only person capable of making her web of lies crumble, and she wants to isolate Adrien to have him all for herself. And on a side note, when she straight up isolates people she does so in a way that the other won't have a chance to escape; she becomes unpredictable.

Something else that should be discussed is her façade itself.

Many sociopaths are known for appearing caring, kind and generous; things Lila pretends to be to win people over, such as promising Nino she'd talk to Steven Spielberg/Besielberg about him, her role in the environmental conference that took place in the Kingdom of Achu or promising Marinette she would help her get closer to Adrien. All the which make her look like an exceptional role model to others, like Caline's amazement on her numerous "feats."

I'd also like to mention that Lila shares another similarity to your average sociopath; she knows how to read people and tells them what they want to hear; something she even admitted herself.

In her debut, she complimented Chat Noir and agreed to Ladybug's change of her plan to defeat Hawk Moth to reduce suspicions on her and make the super heroine look paranoid and jealous. In Chameleon she didn't hesitate to entertain her classmates with more stories about her travels, the celebrities she'd met or her friendship with Ladybug, just like she complimented them all as well for being so kind as to "remember her hearing problem", to bring her her food and the like. In Oni-chan, she even played, or at least tried to, this card with Gabriel, telling him everything he wanted to hear about Adrien's protection and his parenting.

One more thing that I honestly believe Lila possesses is a very aggressive and intimidating, yet cold and distant stare. If you look at her closely, it's easy to notice most of Lila's character is reflected on her eyes and eyebrows, after all, the eyes are the mirror of the soul. She actually has two different types of glare:

Her coldest, most manipulating and most intense stare is one she reserves to people she despises, mainly Ladybug/Marinette.

The other, is less hostile, however, it still gives the impression of a predator watching its prey; of course, this kind of glare is the one she uses on Adrien.

And, lastly but not least, sociopaths are known for guilt-tripping others.

Lila herself has done this while pretending injuries and diseases to get what she wanted from others; the seat next to Adrien, her food…, to make Marinette look bad about not wanting to move to the back, to manipulate Nino into convincing Adrien to study with her, etc.

Lastly, I would like to point out that her possible sociopathy is not what makes her a villain; that's her ability to tell from right or wrong and, still, ignoring the right path. And I must let you know, anon, that I never spread false information. The one time I referred to her as a sociopath that I can think of, I was actually explaining another anon who'd seen that term being used to describe her in Wikipedia that I'd seen it myself on TV Tropes. And just like that, I wasn't the first to think of her as such, I only read some very good, in depth analyses that presented that option and found myself agreeing with them. That's all I did.

May I give you a piece of advice? Try voicing your concerns a bit more nicely, something like "I don't see why Lila is a sociopath. Could you please share your views on the matter?" It'll save you a lot of trouble :)

[gayvalkyrie]

Nicole Haught: S3 Analysis

There is definitely a lot of mystery surrounding Nicole this season. We’re getting a bit more of her backstory, but still not enough to know much about her. There’s just... too many loose ends. But I think we can start tying some of those together if we look closely.

My current theory is that Nicole is a Revenant hybrid, and more importantly, Bulshar’s heir. I’m going to create a masterlist of things I believe point us in that direction, and it’s gonna be a long ass post. So bear with me, everyone! I’m gonna put this all under a ‘Read More’ so people who don’t want to see any spoilers don’t have to!

Note: This theory covers up everything up until S03xE08. I’m sure tonight’s episode is gonna absolutely shit all over this, but I tried my best.

First and foremost, I think there’s a couple things we need to establish before we get into the nitty-gritty of Season 3. We’re gonna jump all the way back to Season 2 for this. I’m going to start back with an important quote from S02xE07:

“It’s not supposed to be possible. Do you know what we’ve done here? We’ve started a new race. We’re the new Adam and Eve.” - Jonas

This line is spoken by Jonas. He is the Revenant who believes he has fathered Wynonna’s child. He believes they have created a new race of Revenant/Human hybrids. This is the first time we hear about the Adam and Eve concept, but the interesting part is that he says they’re the ‘new Adam and Eve’, implying that there was an old Adam and Eve. Yes, I know: “He’s obviously talking about the Adam and Eve that were in the Bible, Stef! They are the original!”. I get that - but here is where it gets interesting. Later on in the same episode:

“What makes you think this kid could be yours?” - Wynonna

“A Revenant breeding with a human - unlikely, yeah, but rumour is it’s happened before.” - Jonas

Maybe the ‘original’ Adam and Eve that had to have come first wasn’t the one depicted in the Bible - but the original ‘Adam and Eve’ that was rumoured to create the first Revenant/Human hybrid.

Now, get this: at this moment, the camera angle changes to Waverly (who, at that time, we all believed was the original Revenant/Human hybrid Jonas was referring to. But if you keep watching, the camera then pans from Waverly, to Nicole watching on in the distance.

As Revenants and humans mating is not a common thing, one can only assume that there must have been special circumstances that allow a human and a Revenant to conceive a child. One can only assume that the Revenant in question must have been extremely powerful in order to interfere with the laws of nature. Otherwise, there would be Revenant/Human hybrids running all over Purgatory. Now, who could be powerful enough to interfere with the laws of nature?

And you thought Bobo was going to be a handful.

So we’ve touched on Season 2 first bringing up the concept of Adam and Eve. Now, I know what you’re thinking. “Stef, Nicole can’t be a Rev/Human hybrid. She could get out of the Ghost River Triangle!” Yep, you’re right. But I think we can safely assume that being a Revenant/Human hybrid comes with its own perks. It’s considered another ‘race’, meaning a hybrid would not follow the exact same rules as a full Revenant would. Otherwise, there would be no ‘hybrid’. You’d either just be a Revenant or you’d be a human. We can’t assume a hybrid would follow the same rules as a regular Revenant would. Or any other supernatural being, for that matter.

For one main reason, shown in S02xE12:

Now, these choice of shots are incredibly interesting. Why would they feel the need to show Nicole passing through the border of the Ghost River Triangle?

During this scene, we assumed that Waverly (who we thought was half-Revenant at the time) and Alice (who we were unsure of) would not be able to leave the Ghost River Triangle if they had Revenant blood in them. They both pass the border, and neither are effected by that. At that moment, we are relieved because ‘that means Waverly and Alice don’t have Revenant blood in them’! Well, thanks to season 3, we now know that Waverly definitely does not have Revenant blood in her. She’s a hybrid alright: but a different kind. She’s an Angel/Human hybrid.

The thing is: I propose the human half of a hybrid child (Revenant or Angel) would shield them from being effected by passing through the Ghost River Triangle.

What does that mean for Alice? That means that we truly can’t confirm that she is Doc’s daughter. However, it is STILL the most likely option as we have already determined that a extremely powerful Revenant would be needed in order to parent a hybrid child - something we all know Jonas is not. And Doc is still technically human, he is just immortal. Or, at least, that’s where things stood at the time Alice was conceived. Not getting into Doc’s Season 3 drama right now, it’s derailing this theory.

Anyway, getting back on track: it’s the human halves of Waverly and Nicole (and possibly Alice) that enable them to pass through the border without being effected. This is why full Revenants cannot leave the Ghost River Triangle - and this is also why Julian (Waverly’s angelic father) cannot get back in. A pure supernatural being cannot pass through the border. A human, or a hybrid, can.

To summarize my points thus far:

We know a Revenant and a Human conceiving a hybrid child has happened before.

We know that an extremely powerful demon must have been involved (Bulshar) or else this would be a common thing amongst Revenants.

We know that a supernatural hybrid child does not follow the same rules as a full supernatural being would.

The human half of a supernatural hybrid child offers protection from things that would otherwise effect a full supernatural being.

Okay! I know that’s a lot of backstory. But I feel like these things are important to keep in mind while going forward.

Now, let’s get into the new stuff shown to us in Season 3.

Season 2 left us with Nicole remembering Bulshar’s name (when spoken by Widow Mercedes), and proceeding to learn as much as she possibly could about him with the help of Dolls. She is also given Bulshar’s ring to hold onto and protect, knowing that Bulshar wants his ring as it holds some sort of power unbeknownst to them. Nicole learns that there have been many massacres throughout the years, committed by the Cult of Bulshar. Through her research, she begins to realize that the “forest fire” she survived as a child was not a forest fire at all - it was one of these massacres. And she was the only survivor, ever.

S03xE01: “When I first heard the name... Bulshar... When faux-Mercedes said it right before you shot the Widows [...] it twigged something in me. It’s like I heard it before, so... I asked Dolls, and he gave me some old BBD files.” - Nicole

She has a panic attack upon recognizing the symbol of Bulshar/Bulshar’s cult at the sight of another one of the massacres. Waverly takes her to get some water and calm down in the bathroom, where they both become ‘glamoured’ (under compulsion) by a vampire named Petra. Now, I know there are some people that believe Nicole faked being glamoured but I don’t entirely believe that as of yet. Nicole is still half-human, which would make her vulnerable to being glamoured by vampires unlike Dolls (a full-demon-dragon-made-by-Black-Badge) who was able to resist being glamoured. She is, however, able to break through her compulsion - something that not even Waverly, an angel/human hybrid, can do. Waverly refers to Nicole becoming a ‘victim’ to the vampires, and Nicole manages to snap out of her glamour for a moment. S03xE01:

“But... I don’t think I could watch you get eaten. Be a... a victim.” - Waverly

“I-I’ve never been a victim. I’m a... survivor. No, I’m the survivor...” - Nicole

There must be something powerful about Nicole if she is able to resist being compelled, even momentarily, when Waverly was no match for it.

Side note: Nicole not being able to be ‘possessed’ or ‘controlled’ is something that has happened before. In S02xE03, Mictian (the demon possessing Waverly) tries to take over Nicole when Waverly kisses her while she’s on patrol at the homecoming game. Nicole pulls away and says:

“Waverly! Not in uniform, okay? Not in public.” - Nicole

“Not good enough.” - Waverly

No one really understood that line, but I believe that was Mictian speaking through Waverly. Nicole was not a good enough host. She could not be manipulated in the way that Mictian wanted, which would have been beneficial as Nicole has a position of power as a police officer. I believe that being able to resist compulsion by another demon, even if only for a few moments, has something to do with her Revenant hybrid nature. You’ll see why as we move a bit further with evidence presented to us in Season 3, because this happens again.

The next instance we find evident tying Nicole to Bulshar is in S03xE03. Nicole and Waverly go off to retrieve what was left of Dolls’ belongings. Waverly notes that Dolls and Nicole ‘got each other’ because they were both cops. Nicole says that he had a traumatic past, and that led him to believe he might be able to help Nicole with discovering more about hers. This is where Nicole goes more in-depth about the massacre in the Ghost River Triangle.

S03xE03: “I was just a kid... my parents were travelling. Again. And, um, they told me I could go to this music festival with my aunt and uncle [...] There was an attack... a man in leather. So much screaming and blood [...] and for years, my parents just told me that everybody died in a forest fire. And that I had somehow escaped, but... you know, it just didn’t explain the nightmares. [...] Last spring, when Widow Mercedes said his name... Bulshar... it was like this shotgun went off in my head. And Dolls helped me. He got me files, he- he told me that Black Badge had been covering up these massacres for years. [...] I somehow got myself down to the river, and somebody saved me.” - Nicole

It’s a long quote to cite, I know, but there’s a lot of interesting information here. First, I think Dolls knows more about Nicole than he ever let on before his death. He knows Black Badge has been covering up these massacres for years. I highly doubt the fact that there was only ever one survivor, a child nonetheless, somehow slipped past him. He must have known more about Nicole, explaining his willingness to help her get to the truth of her past.

The next important thing I want to talk about is the fact that Nicole survived in the first place. She describes it as “she somehow got away” - but I find that... very odd. After all, this is Bulshar and his cult we are talking about. They never leave survivors. They are brutal killers. How does a small child manage to evade them? I propose that they intentionally let her escape, because of the fact that she is Bulshar’s heir (Remember, he is the only one who is powerful enough to bend the laws of nature to have a child with a human). After all, why would Bulshar want to slaughter his own flesh and blood?

This is also the first time we really get an idea of what Nicole’s parents are like. We get the impression that they aren’t really around for her, leaving Nicole alone in the care of others while they travel. In this case, she was with her aunt and uncle.

Later on in this episode, Nicole goes on to tell Waverly that she doesn’t need pity regarding her past. Waverly struggles to digest all of this new information, and goes on it say:

“Look, you came back to Purgatory to be a cop, right?” - Waverly

“Yep, yep.” - Nicole

“Which means, it can’t be a coincidence...” - Waverly

“Probably not.” - Nicole

“Which means none of us have any free will over our lives, and we’re all gonna die anyway so what’s the point?” - Waverly

“The point is that I love you. And if that is our destiny, then I am pretty darn stoked.” - Nicole

Now, this quote is so incredibly important. This quote brings into discussion the concept of fate and destiny. Remember, Bulshar used to be Sheriff Clootie before he turned demon. He was Sheriff of Purgatory. Now, Nicole has returned to Purgatory to become a police officer - a job she could have gotten anywhere else in the city, especially as she is said to have graduated at the top of her class. Nicole was destined to return to Purgatory because she has a prophecy to fulfill, unbeknownst to her just yet.

Her destiny is not just to follow in Bulshar’s footsteps, but there’s more to it than just that. Remember the Adam and Eve concept mentioned back in Season 2? We’ll get back to that soon.

Moving on to S03xE04, Waverly and Nicole visit the site of the massacre to see a memorial has been put up referring to it as a ‘tragic forest fire’. Waverly asks if the memorial seems familiar, and Nicole laments on how it’s been 20 years since then. Waverly then asks Nicole if she has disposed of Bulshar’s ring yet. Nicole states that she is looking for “the perfect spot, where no one will ever find it”. The two begin talking about Nicole surviving the massacre, and Nicole points out:

“That’s just it. I was already down by the river when something attacked the camp. I mean, I heard it. Chaos, the... horrible, agonized screams... but, there was no fire... there wasn’t even any smoke...” - Nicole

She then realizes that Black Badge was the one who came up with the ‘forest fire’ cover-up story and that they destroyed any evidence stating otherwise. Nicole then says that she is ‘just a loose end’, and says ‘she just got lucky’.

However, from the way it sounds, the massacre was planned to begin once Nicole was already away from the scene. This would ensure her safety and her ability to escape, as Bulshar would not be happy to hear that his only heir was killed in the massacre.

Waverly suggests Nicole try talking to her parents about what happened, despite knowing that Nicole doesn’t speak to them (as she stated back in S02xE10). Nicole states that it would be pointless, as they were fed the ‘official version’ of the story (the forest fire) and tries to turn the conversation around on Waverly.

Nicole is very touchy on the subject of her parents. Naturally, not having her parents be present in her life would make her harbour resentment. But the real question is why were her parents so negligent toward her? Were they just bad parents? Or was it because perhaps, she wasn’t their biological child? Maybe Bulshar gave her to them to raise, away from the Ghost River Triangle, to keep his heir safe from not just the Earps but any other Revenants who would want to challenge him? Remember, being a hybrid means Nicole could leave the Ghost River Triangle. Bulshar, the other revenants, and any other full supernatural being could not. The Earps wouldn’t think of looking outside the Triangle for his heir when they know that the Revenants can’t leave - or so they thought.

At this point, Nicole and Waverly run into Robin and asks to be taken to the Sheriff’s department. As Waverly leads Robin to the car, Nicole pulls Bulshar’s ring out of her pocket and throws it as far as she possibly can into the snow in the forest before leaving.

It’s also in this episode (we’re still on S03xE04!) that Nedley makes his decision (albiet, thanks to Wynonna) to make Nicole the new Sheriff, as he is getting old and becoming tired of constantly trying to cover up the supernatural happenings in Purgatory that have happened over the years.

“I have been covering this shit up for too long. I-... I’m tired of it.” - Nedley

“Well maybe then you should just step aside, y’know? Let someone else have a turn. Someone who still has some fight left.” - Wynonna

For those of you who aren’t sure of the timeline of this show, we can infer that the course of Season 1 up until now all happen within the same year. We also know this because Nicole states back in S03xE01 that she was saving the outfit she was wearing for hers and Waverly’s one year anniversary. Nicole and Waverly have been dating for less than a year. Nicole was a rookie cop just starting out in Purgatory when she met Waverly. We know this because it’s constantly mentioned that Nicole still needs to ‘learn how this town operates’ in Season 1 and 2, and how she’s still an outsider to Purgatory particularly in Season 3. Nicole is an exceptional cop, but to go from a rookie cop to Sheriff of Purgatory - in less than a year? It would be impossible anywhere else. It almost sounds like... some sort of divine intervention. As if she’s fulfilling a prophecy of some sort. As if she’s following in someone’s footsteps.

Now, we move on to everyone’s favourite episode. S03xE05: Jolene.

Okay, second favourite.

Granted, this is definitely a Waverly-centric episode. But do you remember when I brought up how Nicole is able to resist compulsion to a certain degree? Yep, this is what I was referring to.

We know that Jolene (Jolene, Jolene, JOLEEENE) is able to compel people through her baking - which is why we always see her stuffing people with baked goods whenever she has the opportunity. In S03xE05, she gives Nicole lemon scones and is able to compel her into not trying to arrest her. She mentions bringing some treats over to Wynonna and Waverly, and lies to Nicole saying they’re out on a solo mission without her which plays on Nicole’s insecurities of being left out. Jolene then states:

“I do have to get going, I need your girlfriend to finish all of this. I would do it myself, but of course, I can’t physically harm her...” - Jolene

During this moment, you can see Nicole visibly shake out of her compulsion at the mention of Waverly being hurt. She tries to question Jolene about her intentions, but Jolene is able to regain control of Nicole by getting her to eat more of the lemon scone. Nicole then laughs it off, and tells Jolene to ‘tell Waverly and those Earp bitches’ she said hi. Immediately after saying that, Nicole breaks out of her compulsion momentarily, again - not before Jolene takes off before she can act.

Later on in the episode, Jolene finds Nicole alone after an intense fight with Waverly (after our favourite bar fight scene). Nicole states that she’s waiting for Waverly, and talks about the fight and even recalls that she said horrible things that she had no control over. Jolene strokes Nicole’s cheek, saying:

“I see you... You spend your life rescuing others... What about you?” - Jolene

Implying Nicole needs ‘rescuing’ or some sort, it is possible that Jolene might be able to see Nicole for more than what she is. Nicole pulls away, uncomfortable with Jolene’s advances. Jolene, in attempts to replace Waverly, attempts to regain compulsion over Nicole:

“I’m whatever you want me to be... and everything that she’s not.” - Jolene

“I love Waverly.”- Nicole

“No you don’t.” - Jolene

“Yes, I do. I love her, and- You.. I don’t even think I like you.” - Nicole

Again, as a Revenant hybrid, it seems that having control over Nicole is more difficult than that of a normal human, and possibly even an Angel hybrid like Waverly.

Jolene, unable to regain her control over Nicole, becomes hostile and tries to attack Nicole - except, a wild card comes into play.

Bulshar’s ring. Nicole threw it away back in two previous episodes. Suddenly, Jolene tries to attack Nicole and the ring returns to her. Bulshar’s ring proceeds to burn Jolene when she tries to take it from Nicole - as if the ring is trying to protect Nicole. Why would Bulshar’s ring protect anyone that wasn’t Bulshar himself? Unless... it was protecting his heir. It was protecting his family line. Jolene, fearful of the ring and Bulshar, throws Nicole into a closet (HA.) and flees to complete her plan in exacting her revenge on Waverly.

Okay, now we’ve hit everyone’s favourite episode: S03x06. Also known as The Christmas Episode. Because who doesn’t like powerbottom Nicole in an elf suit and Waverly Mrs. Claus?

Though really, this episode is a bit.. unclear to me, so if anyone wants to chime in please feel free! I’ll admit I need some help. I’ve skimmed through it a few times and I feel as though I’m still missing some information, somehow.

At this point, we know  Bulshar is kidnapping people across Purgatory, most notably descendants of the First Families that founded it. We know that members of the First Families must not be killed. Bulshar reveals that the First Families betrayed him, and sold him out to Wyatt Earp, leading up to him seeking his revenge on the town over a century later. What he’s doing to the people he has kidnapped, though... is a bit unclear to me. We essentially see them in cages, being taken out to be pumped full of green goo. 

I think the most important Nicole-centric thing to happen in this episode is Nedley announces his retirement, thus naming her the new Sheriff - officially. While not much happens in regards to being able to tie Nicole in as Bulshar’s heir, I did notice something fun:

Nicole and Wynonna are both wearing deep purple crowns. A fun tidbit to include, especially with both of them being the heirs. Waverly is wearing a yellow crown - an angelic colour. I wonder why Jeremy has a matching crown? I wish we knew more about his backstory. He’s an honorary angel in my book, though. Michelle is off camera wearing a green grown. Oddly enough, Doc isn’t wearing one at all. Anyone want to chime in on what the symbolism behind this could be? My brain is fogging up at this point.

Forgive me, I’m like, 5 hours into this masterlist post and I’m getting sidetracked. Only two more episodes to analyze at this point. At least until tonight’s episode comes out and throws a wrench into all of this.

Now we hit S03xE07. I love how this episode opens. Nicole is trying to earn the respect of her coworkers and the town as the new Sheriff, but it’s not so much that that I’m interested in. I’m very partial to the following line:

“I had no idea Officer Haught was your sister’s girlfriend, that’s so weird.” - Charlie

“You’re not one of those ‘Adam and Eve, not Adam and Steve’ people, are you?” - Wynonna

What an interesting choice of foreshadowing words to use in regards to Nicole and Waverly dating. The last time we heard about Adam and Eve was back in Season 2, when Jonas believed he and Wynonna had created a Revenant hybrid child. And, as you all know, this isn’t the last time we’ll be hearing about it, either.

Aside from the Wynhaught mess that the two always get themselves into each season, Nicole spends this episode trying to convince Bunny of the city council that she’s fit for the job of Sheriff. Bunny comments that she would rather back Wynonna for Sheriff (much to Nicole’s disbelief) because:

“And the Earps are one of Purgatory’s original families. This one [referring to Nicole]...” - Bunny

“This one?” - Wynonna

“Sorry, what about ‘this one’?” - Nicole

“What Purgatory needs is a homegrown hero. Not some.. fly-by-night outsider, who - let’s face it - is a little too... different.” - Bunny

Now, we all know Bunny was referring to Nicole being a lesbian when she said Nicole was ‘too different’, but she’s also not wrong. Nicole is different; she’s a Revenant hybrid. How ironic would it be to have a Revenant hybrid protecting the town from not just your normal everyday problems, but from Revenants themselves?

After a run-in with Revenants, dealing with a gnome-seeking a wife (how do you like that for a Bulshar metaphor? I’ll get on that more later), and setting Bunny straight in supporting Nicole as Sheriff, Wynonna and Nicole have a heart to heart. Funnily enough, Wynonna tells Nicole:

“You would be a good wife.” - Wynonna

“Ah, thank you... But you’re not my type. You cheat a drinking games.” - Nicole

“You know, I used to think you were an outsider, too. And that things would get too demon-y, and you’d go and leave my sister with a broken heart.” - Wynonna

“Wynonna, I love her.” - Nicole

This episode brings up the concept of being a wife/marriage quite a bit, perhaps bringing to light what Nicole’s purpose as Bulshar’s heir may be. Wynonna also tells Nicole that she is ‘staked to this land’ just as she is, also confirming that Nicole is a part of Purgatory, and not just “the outsider” everyone seems to think she is.

It is also revealed in this episode that Nedley was the one that ‘rescued’ Nicole as a child from the forest fire/massacre. At least, he’s the one that found her after the massacre had taken place. We already established that, according to this theory, Nicole was ‘allowed’ to escape before the massacre even began, giving her, as Bulshar’s heir, ample time to get out of harm’s way.

Nedley and Nicole also talk about Nicole’s parents and how they don’t talk. Nicole calls her parents selfish and says they don’t speak or keep in touch.

“Why? Because of who you are?” - Nedley

“Yeah... a cop.” - Nicole

“When I found out you had enrolled in the Police Academy, I couldn’t resist offering you this job.” - Nedley

“When I saw the posting, I just- I knew this is where I had to serve. Everything good I have in my life is because I came back to the Ghost River Triangle.” - Nicole

This quote further ties back into the point Waverly makes in that there is no concept of ‘free will’ in Purgatory. Everyone who is tied to that land has some sort of purpose to fulfill.

Finally, we get to the most recent episode (for now, anyway). S03xE08 starts with Wynonna wearing Bulshar’s ring (which Doc gave to her as protection at the end of Episode 07). It seems to have no affect on Wynonna - at least, it’s not burning her the way its burned Jolene and Doc.

This episode spends a lot of time talking about Bulshar’s ultimate goal. In the past, while he was still Sheriff, he asked Kate to read his tarot cards. Kate began the reading and ultimately refused to read the final card - his ‘future’ card. Doc intervened and unbeknownst to both Kate and Bulshar, hid the cards from the reading. He summons his dead wife Constance Clootie to retrieve the cards for him, allowing him to finally see what his future reveals. He is successful, and we see him delighted to finally see his results.

Wynonna, unable to stop Bulshar, realizes that she and Bulshar might share a future as she is the Earp heir destined to stop him. She asks Kate to read her cards, as that would tell her what Bulshar’s cards would be.

Now, another thing that happened during this episode was the famous BGD  Big Gay Dinner. Nicole and Waverly invite Jeremy and new-boyfriend Robin to the homestead. Nicole and Jeremy are talking while Nicole is setting up the dinner table, and Jeremy points out the awkward elephant in the room.

Bulshar’s ring has returned to Nicole, again. Now, the fun part is Nicole is holding the ring, down on one knee when Waverly walks in the room. Nicole has that ‘this isn’t what it looks like’ face on while Waverly is caught up in the idea that Nicole is proposing to her. Nicole clarifies to a flustered Waverly that this was Bulshar’s ring and that it is consistently following her around, which triggers concern among everyone.

Constance later barges in on the BGD, looking for where Doc has stored Bulshar’s cards from his tarot reading ages ago. She lands a hit on Nicole, throwing her against the barn door. Suddenly, the ring begins to glow and burn Nicole. She throws it away, and Waverly grabs the ring and instinctively puts it on. “It fits me,” she states, before delivering a finishing super-powered hit on Constance.

Waverly later discovers that the ring won’t come off, and the inscription “Paradise” is revealed on the underside of the ring, as discovered by Jeremy. Wynonna rushes in, and states that she knows what Bulshar is after now that Kate has read her cards. The cards represent the past, present, and future. His past card was “The Devil”, which makes sense. He cursed the Earps, became an all powerful demon hellbent on revenge on the First Families that betrayed him. His present card is “The Tower”, representing darkness and destruction, as Kate describes. Now, his future card? “The Lovers” - Adam and Eve.

Bulshar is looking for his Paradise, his Eve, his Garden of Eden. And with the ring on Waverly, it looks like he’s found his new Eve, which could potentially mean that his Garden of Eden might even be located in the Gibson Greenhouse where Waverly was born.

How does this tie into Nicole? That’s still up in the heir (ha ha, get it?), but the way I see it is that Bulshar’s Eve (Waverly) would be promised to his heir, Nicole. My issue with this part of the theory is that I don’t know what exactly he’d gain from having Adam and Eve together, unless Nicole and Waverly can unlock something with their powers in the Garden of Eden?

It’s all very unclear, and I’m sure Episode 09 is gonna wreck this theory, but there it is. A full masterlist and analysis on everything involving our favourite ginger cop.

Let me know what you guys think! Did it make sense? Did you like it? Hate it? Enjoy guys! I’m looking forward to reading your responses and watching Episode 09 absolutely wreck 6 hours of video analysing and hard work.

[emetofiend2dand3d]

This is a real thing that happened:

Background: there is a gene called ALDH2 located on chromosome 12 that plays a vital role in metabolizing alcohol. A high percentage of East Asian's have a different form of the gene that does not allow them to metabolize alcohol. This is a condition known as "acute alcohol intoxication." The condition is most common in Japan. This means that people with this condition only have to drink a minuscule amount of alcohol to get drunk and their body can't metabolize it. I have a lot of Japanese friends and one of them has this condition. I saw him get drunk and get very sick at a party last night. I thought I would recount the story by writing a fic about it. My headcanon went towards Nagisa as having the condition... So this fic will be college age Nagisa getting drunk at a party and being cared for by the Iwatobi boys. Thank you I hope you enjoy. . "Are you sure about this Nagisa?" Rei, Makoto and Haru all sat on the edge of their seats as Nagisa held out his cup, asking for a shot. "Why don't I just give you a little? I can water it down with orange juice." Rei offered. Nagisa shook his head. "I want a drink." He said stubbornly. The three boys looked at each other for guidance but none of them seemed to have any ideas. Rei sighed and took Nagisa's cup. He poured a small amount in it, enough to cover the bottom and gave it back to him. Nagisa threw it back in one swig and cringed from the taste. "Okay. I'm drunk." The way he said it made everyone laugh and they felt a bit better. They hung out at the party for a while, talking with friends and playing party games. Nagisa was giggling his head off about seemingly nothing but it was so contagious he had everyone laughing with him. After about an hour and a half though, Nagisa's bubbly personality seemed to die down and he sat, chatting with friends quietly. He seemed drowsy, and was hiccuping as if he had been drinking all night. A group of college guys went up to the Iwatori team and asked them to join. "Hey, you guys wanna play some beer pong?" Makoto, Rei and Haru exchanged shrugs and agreed. "Ah- but Nagisa-" Rei suddenly felt guilty. "It's okay guys. I don't mind." Nagisa told them. "A-are you sure Nagisa? We-" Makoto wanted to make him feel as included as possible. "I'm sure! I can just watch." Nagisa insisted. Rei patted him on the shoulder and the three of them went to go play the game. Nagisa watched for a while, but he started feeling off. It wasn't the same light buzz he had been feeling earlier, it was more of a heavy feeling like he was sleep deprived. Nagisa tried to ignore it for as long as he could stand, but eventually, he developed an odd feeling that he didn't understand. Nagisa realized he was shivering. He hadn't thought it had been particularly cold earlier. But that was because the alcohol had given him a sort of warm pleasant feeling. He figured that it must have warn off and that was why he hadn't noticed the cold earlier. But he couldn't help but think it was odd, given they were in a small house crowded with people in late Spring. Nagisa tried to shake it off for as long as he could and distract himself by watching his friends dash around a table laughing and drinking together. Not only did the feeling persist however, it continued to make him feel worse. He began getting overwhelmed by the bright lights and shouting that made his head hurt. He decided it might be best to look for a place to lay down. He slowly dragged his heavy body upstairs to find that there was an empty room with a spare bed that didn't appear to in usage. Nagisa laid down in the bed, grateful to be away from the noise and the light. He thought that sleep would bring him relief, but it continued on. . Downstairs, the three Iwatobi boys were stumbling around as they played their fifth round of beer pong. Their team won, and they shouted with victory and gave each other high fives. That was when Rei looked over to see that Nagisa wasn't sitting in the same spot he had been earlier. "Did either of you see where Nagisa went?" Rei asked. Makoto and Haru looked just as surprised as he was and they began looking around the room. It wasn't especially large, so there wasn't any where he could have been hiding except upstairs. "Come on, one more round." One of the guys who they had been playing the game with asked them to come back. "Sorry. Maybe next time." Makoto declined. "Let's check upstairs." Rei suggested, and they went up to look. They opened the door to one of the the rooms to find someone listening to music and doing what appeared to be studying. Then they checked in a second room to find a couple sitting on a bed kissing. The couple shouted at them shut the door so they went to check the third room. It was completely dark but the could see someone laying in a bed from the light of the hallway. "Nagisa? Is that you?" Rei went up to him while Makoto and Haru stayed at the door. Rei leaned over him and touched his shoulder, he could see it was Nagisa. "You okay?" Nagisa didn't reply but the way he was acting made Rei worried. "He's shivering." He told Makoto and Haru. "Can one of you find him a blanket?" Haru went at once and asked the guy studying in his room if he could borrow a blanket. He brought it back and they wrapped it around Nagisa. Nagisa whispered something but they couldn't make it out. "What was that?" Rei leaned in. "C-c-cold." He shivered. "Still cold?" By then, Rei was very worried. "Haru, can I borrow your hoodie? I want to covers his ears." Haru took off his hoodie and Rei wrapped it around Nagisa's head. Despite being completely covered with blankets, Nagisa continued to shiver like he was cold. "I'm ganna keep an eye on him. You two can go back down to the party." Rei told them. Haru and Makoto hesitated, but they shut the door and left Nagisa to Rei. Rei sat beside Nagisa and stroked his arm comfortingly. Nagisa was whimpering and breathing in and out quickly as he continued to shiver. Shortly after, Nagisa moaned quietly, wrapping the blankets tightly around himself. "What is it Nagisa?" Rei asked. Nagisa sounded like he was having trouble speaking and he was swallowing compulsively. "I-m-guh-ganna-" before he could get another word out, a flood of vomit shot out of his mouth. Nagisa leaned over the side of the bed, but he wasn't quick enough to avoid soiling the mattress he was been laying on. He leaned over and burped up another waterfall of sick that splattered onto the floor. He threw the covers off of himself and swung his legs over the bed to sit up. He nearly collapsed out of it before he could even sit up but Rei grabbed him by the shoulders to keep him from falling face first. Consequently, Nagisa resorted to leaning forward and he vomited all over the floor and himself. He soiled his jeans and socks and hung over himself shakily with sick dripping down his chin. Nagisa coughed weakly and Rei tried to find the best path to step down onto the ground, which was covered with sick. It was difficult in the dark room but he managed avoid stepping in it and helped Nagisa out of bed. Rei walked him to the bathroom and had him kneel in front of the toilet. At once, Nagisa pitched forward over the bowl, heaving up more of his stomach contents, continuing with harsh coughing. He gagged weakly every few seconds but managed to stop puking for a full sixty seconds, so Rei took the opportunity to go get help. "Nagisa, I'll be right back. Don't move okay? I'll be just a second." Rei ran out and practically flew down the stairs, desperately searching for Haru and Makoto. He found them sitting and talking with some friends and he grabbed them and dragged them upstairs. "Rei what's wrong?" Makoto was concerned. "Nagisa's really sick." Rei tried to explain. "He got sick?" Even Haru was surprised. Rei tried to explain to them the extent of Nagisa's sickness to prepare them for what they were about to see. Rei opened the door to the bathroom to reveal Nagisa, covered in sick, on his knees hanging over the toilet. Haru covered his nose and both he and Makoto jumped back with shock. "He's really a mess right now and I need to take care of him but I also have to clean the room." Rei was spilling out his words, sounding flustered. "The room?" Makoto and Haru looked at each other with confusion. "Yes can you two find some towels and use them to clean the room?" Rei pleaded. The two of them nodded. "Anything to help." Makoto offered. They searched for some towels in the house and found a few in a spare closet. They went to the room that Nagisa had been sleeping in and when they opened the door, they both covered their faces with horror and jumped back. The room smelled awful. . Rei tried to tend to Nagisa the best that he could. He refused to move away from the toilet for more than a minute. He was hiccuping and burping constantly, each one getting deeper and wetter until he gagged harshly. Rei rubbed Nagisa's back and tried it get him to relax but he was too anxious to settle down. "Shh. Nagisa it's okay. Just calm down. You're okay." Makoto and Haru returned with dead looks in their eyes after cleaning the room and Rei sent them off with the task of finding Nagisa a new pair of clothes. Rei undressed him and put him in a new shirt, jeans and even socks. Nagisa remained fairly limp and passive throughout, still clinging to the toilet nervously. But he felt slightly better after getting out of his solid clothing. Nagisa hung over the toilet and suddenly started whimpering and taking in quick breaths. "What's wrong Nagisa? You feel sick again?" Rei stroked his back. Nagisa shook his head and looked up at Rei, there were tears in his eyes. "I'm so sorry Rei." Rei was so surprised he didn't know what to say. "It-it's okay Nagisa." Haru and Makoto returned a moment later and Nagisa turned around to them, still crying. "Mako-chan. Haru-chan. I'm sorry." He started sobbing and Makoto smiled nervously, shaking his head while Haru simply stared. "It's okay Nagisa. You're fine. That's all that matters." Makoto told him. "You guys..." Nagisa sniffed. "Thank you."

[nothingbythebook]

I.

My day is interrupted by a puking child, and…

No. Not like that. Interrupted?

The definition of interrupt:

Stop the continuous progress of (an activity or process)

Stop (someone speaking) by saying or doing something.

Break the continuity of (a line or surface)

Obstruct (something, especially a view).

(So says the Oxford English Dictionary, which also adds, btw, this:

“Late Middle English: from Latin interrupt- ‘broken, interrupted’, from the verb interrumpere, from inter- ‘between’ + rumpere ‘to break’.”

– I learned something new, and now so did you.)

But for something to be interrupted… there has to be an expectation that it won’t be. An assumption that the activity will be continuous—that you will get to finish your sentence—that the line will go on forever, or at least for a while.

So. My day is NOT interrupted by a puking child. Let’s try this again.

II.

My sleep is interrupted… No, here I go again…

Take three:

I’m in that marvellous liminal morning place of sleep-not-sleep, and I am thinking I will wake—soon, but not just yet—when I hear footsteps on the ceiling (on the ceiling, yes), and then footsteps tramping down the stairs—doors opening—laundry bags being stepped on—and… there he is. In the crook of my arm, not quite as long as I am yet but definitely not small, and yet in that moment of crawling into bed beside me, so tiny.

He doesn’t whisper, “Upstairs?” as is his way when he wakes up before me or Sean. He just curls into me. And wiggles. “Maggie?” he says, searching for the dog in the dark.

I shush him.

“Your Dadda has to get up so early today, he needs to sleep until it’s time. Be still.” He stills, a little.

But Sean gives up on the remnants of sleep and gets up before his alarm clock.

Ender falls asleep, in my arms, for a while.

I don’t.

I mind-wander. Sad thoughts, happy thoughts. Heart-piercing, heart-breaking thoughts.

But happy thoughts too.

I like thinking.

At some point, my eyes are wet and I can’t exactly say I like that, but… it’s part of the experience.

Ender stirs beside me, awake in a flash. Starts to torment the dog.

“Upstairs?” I whisper to him.

He’s out of bed almost before I finish the sentence. Me, I stretch. Rub my eyes, forehead, neck. Sneek a peak at my phone.

6:17.

Early.

Ugh.

By the time I follow Ender upstairs, he’s already ensconced in one of the armchairs in the kitchen and wrapped in a blanket. Sean’s made coffee and I play the game I’m playing these days every morning, with every cup. Yes? No? A choice? A compulsion?

I pour a cup. Drink half of it while it’s hot… pour the cold remains down the sink later. A choice. Not a compulsion.

Sean’s got a 9 am presentation that he’s still refining, so I get Ender his cereal before going back downstairs with the coffee. Sit down in the space-that-is-me and write the morning pages.

Don’t whine in them very much, although at one point my eyes do get wet again.

Then—work. The tasks I MUST do first thing in the morning. And—go. Tedious. Unfulfilling. Necessary. Not ideal—I will not schedule a project like this again. My mornings need to belong to creative work, not this. These thoughts dance in the back of my head—but the front of it is all focused, disciplined, working.

About to be interrupted—but no.

It’s not an interruption if you know it’s coming.

“I need to cuddle.”

Ender in my armpit, under my blankets. I wonder if the reason I work on a couch, on the floor, on a chaisez-lounge is this? So I can accommodate one child, two, three while I write?

It’s hard to type AND cuddle an eight-year-old at a desk, in an office chair.

It’s not, by the way, an idyllic moment.

He keeps on grabbing my right arm. And I keep on snapping. We have a deal, Ender and I—the mornings are MINE and he can come into my space and BE with me. But I am working. I am not HIS at that time. He can be present—but all he gets is my presence. No interactions. Except ones that sound like this:

“I need my arm to do my work, stop pulling on it.”

“Ender, baby, you know this is my work time.”

“For fuck’s sake, stop yanking on my arm!”

He wiggles down and curls around my feet.

I do my work.

Get to the goal I set out as my “finish” for the morning stretch.

He says it this time before I do:

“Upstairs?”

Upstairs.

Upstairs, I make him his second breakfast and myself my first. And I break a rule—a new friend sends me a text that brings a smile to my face and so I text back (more on my texting rule later, maybe)—and I am flirting and moving around in the kitchen and trying to plan the day—I’ll read a bit with Ender, make sure Flora eats protein for breakfast when she wakes up—but then, I’ll probably be able to get the second block of my work done, and then, in the afternoon, will I have time to…

And that’s when Ender comes into the kitchen, and pukes all over the kitchen floor.

III.

My week, by the way, has looked sort of like this:

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But of course, this is only the public part of the story.

IV.

I’m trying to read, for the second time, Gretchen Rubin’s The Happiness Project. I’m reading it because I got it as a birthday present for Sean, because he heard Rubin on a podcast talking about how different personality types are motivated and thought she was insightful and because he is very interested what makes people happy.

I’ve tried reading it before, when it was first released and there were 64 people ahead of me on the holds list for it at the public library. When my turn to read it arrived… Rubin lost me in February.

This time, I’ve persevered til June. I’m looking for the nuggets. But it’s hard.

Rubin’s relentless search for happiness (while claiming she is very happy to begin with) exhausts me. Really, that is what’s happening: as I read about her resolutions, projects, and initiative—I feel utterly drained.

It’s fascinating.

Her frantic energy vibes off the page and into my rather sensitive and strained… shall we be New Agey and call it aura? … I don’ t know. Something. Her frantic energy infects me. And not in a good way. Reading about her quest for happiness is decreasing mine.

It’s kind of interesting.

Also, insightful, although perhaps not in the way Rubin intended.

I’m not sure if I will persevere with the book through to December. It does have some good stuff, and quotes and insights from others, and I was going to pull one out for you, but I can’t find it, and really, fuck it, because the point is–Rubin’s desire to be even more happy (while denying that she’s unhappy) is making me tired.

And even those of her insights that resonate with me… I think we apply these insights in very different ways.

Anyway.

Happiness.

Sean is also reading—er, listening to—Mark Manson’s The Subtle Art of Not Giving a Fuck. The subtext of which—or maybe its main point, actually—is that chasing happiness does not make people happy.

We talk about that for a bit on Thursday night. About the difference between “happy” and “meaningful.”

I am, right now, definitely not happy. Oh, I have moments of joy and pleasure. And even the occasional second of bliss.

But happy?

No.

And I don’t even want to be happy.

But let’s not talk about that today.

V.

I send Ender to the bathroom to wash his face and hands and I clean the kitchen floor. Settle him in bed with a puke bowl and his iPad.

“And Mommy?” he asks.

So my office for the rest of the morning is his sickbed, and I do most of my work with my left hand, as he convulsively holds onto my right.

When he falls asleep, I go downstairs and feed Flora protein, although it’s more lunch than breakfast now.

I should sit down and work. I start to draft this post instead—it seems important.

VI.

I don’t want to be happy or chase happiness, but I don’t want to be dysfunctionally unhappy either. I try to create my life, consciously and conscientiously. I want it to be meaningful, purposeful. Good, which to my mind is not the same as happy. Fulfilling. You know?

Right now, I have a project on the go that’s, ironically, meaningful and purposeful, and overall critical to the creation of my meaningful and purposeful life, but which has me doing things that are making me dysfunctionally unhappy.

So I’m looking at those things and trying to figure out… do I need to do them? If I do—if they are indeed unavoidable—can I do them differently?

It’s an interesting exercise. I’m trying different things. They all have few things in common: or maybe, just one thing.

They are a quest for… stillness. Silence.

My texting rule—I break it for you, I broke it this morning—is part of it.

My project requires me to be online, plugged in, sharing, responding, six out of seven days at least—and that seventh day, even then there are things…

It has, so far, been a 40-day long experiment in what happens to a creative person when they are never truly alone for 40 days.

It’s fascinating… and it ain’t pretty.

VII.

After his nap, Ender wants to play with his friends and go sledding, and I, the worst mother in the world, don’t let him. But I bundle him into a snowsuit—myself too—and we go for a slow loop around the Common. He barely makes it, all the while insisting he wants to go sledding and to play with his friends.

Back home, I make him tea with honey, but he’s asleep again when I bring it back.

The day continues like this—Ender waking up, falling asleep, whining, the elder two gaming, reading, fighting, me remembering at some point that I should feed them—finding out they’d already fed themselves (“But can you ask Dziadzia to bring buns and milk when he comes?”).

My dad arrives in the evening—with milk and buns, and also chicken wings—to take Flora to her martial arts class. I leave Cinder in charge of the not-puking-but-clearly-not-well Ender—then my mom comes to pick me up, and we go to the premiere of Sean’s film project (which, btw, you can now view at Art Enabled Life).

When we come back, Ender is asleep.

Turns out, Cinder took him sledding.

“Seriously?” That’s me.

“What?” That’s Cinder. “I made him wear a helmet.”

Ender sleeps like the dead; wakes up perfectly healthy.

VIII.

I want to finish writing this post in the evening, in my space. I think that will be the perfect closure to this day and this story: me, in my space, mostly uninterrupted. It was going to go like this, I had it all written in my head, scripted perfectly, and it was going to go like this:

“I have this… affirmation, I guess? words, ugh… that I’m working with right now. Well, there are two—the one I need to work on more I’m not ready to share with you. This one, though, you can hear:

“My days flow with a rhythm that nourishes and inspires myself and others.”

I’m chasing… not happiness. But flow.

Rhythm.

And I think… my rhythm will never be really smooth. Or uninterrupted. Sometimes, I will get planned or unexpected hours that flow gently, naturally into one another. But most of the time—I don’t expect, I can’t expect it.

Someone will puke. The furnace will break down. You will need me. My eyes will be wet.

I can’t control for any of that, and trying to paves the way to dysfunctional unhappiness.

But there are other… interruptions—and ways of being and thinking and acting that nurture interruptions—which all pave the way to dysfunctional unhappiness—that I can control.

So that’s my next project. Adjacent to the ongoing one, and my other creative and professional work.

I’ll tell you about it, bit by bit.

Now I have to go meditate. Then let my mind wander. Have some fabulous sex.

Sleep.”

But, um… instead, after the film, I come home to was-asleep-but-is-now-awake Ender and sit with him for near an hour until he falls back asleep, and then, I want to sleep, not write, myself. So, I do. And the next day, I’m up at 6:17 am doing all the things, and getting picked up before 8 am by a friend and going to an all-day workshop and…

I finish the post there, in-between presentations, pitches, meet-ups.

Rhythm?

Flow?

Sort of.

Rhythm, interrupted?

Sure. Hey, there’s my title.

xoxo

“Jane”

PS A shameless plug for Sean’s amazing work again—Check out the ART ENABLED LIFE project, either via its website, or if you’re a Facebook user, on its Facebook Page. The eleven films featuring eleven artists in dialogue with middle school students about how art builds resiliency (and other beautiful insights) are also live on Youtube now, and they will change your life.

Rhythm, interrupted I. My day is interrupted by a puking child, and... No. Not like that. Interrupted? The definition of interrupt:

[emetofiend2dand3d]

Hello! Can I get something with sick Kyoya being taken care of by someone (Tamaki if you're okay with it). Thanks!!

I looove the Kyoya and Tamaki pairing^^ (I made it just friendship)Tip: 2200円 (yen) amounts to about $20 ."Kyoya. Kyoya? Kyoya!"Kyoya snapped out of his daze to see Tamaki standing on front of him. "You seem distracted. Are you working on something?" Tamaki sounded annoyed. "N-no, my apologies. Was there something you desperately needed Tamaki?" Kyoya pushed his glasses up his nose. He had been writing in his notebook but he looked down to see he had just been scribbling in it. He had been pretending to write to look busy as he so often did. He was not in the mood to have to tend to any of Tamaki's daily whims. He hadn't been able to focus since that morning. He had woken up with a headache that had only gotten progressively worse throughout the day. He barely made it through his classes, only staying awake with the help of hefty doses of caffeinated tea. He had already purchased two from the school's coffee shop and was considering picking up a third. He didn't think he would be able to stay awake for the host club without it. He stopped Haruhi, who was holding a tray of cups and bringing them to a table. "Haruhi could you do me the favor of running to the coffee shop downstairs and getting me a large green tea?" Haruhi looked surprised. "Oh, are you sure? I can make you a cup of coffee." She offered. "I'd prefer something lighter, if you please." Kyoya wasn't sure he could stomach coffee at that time. He was already feeling queasy and didn't want to push it. "Sure thing Kyoya-senpai." Haruhi smiled and put down the tray to run down there for him. Just as she, left Tamaki's spun him around suddenly and clapped his hands together."Alright Kyoya, are you ready?" Tamaki's sounded excited, which made Kyoya uneasy. As soon as he regained his balance from being spun around, he readjusted his glasses and crossed his arms. "Ready for what?" "This!" Tamaki pulled a cloth off of a table and revealed an average looking table. "What?" Kyoya was getting impatient. "Doesn't it look great!" Tamaki was jittery with excitement. "I see no difference from our usual table spread." He said. "The doilies!" Tamaki pulled Kyoya closer and lifted one of the plates up. "Don't they compliment the golden tinted tea cups perfectly?" "I suppose doilies are an expense we can extend for." Kyoya jotted something down in his notebook. "They are tinted with real 14 carat gold!" Tamaki finished, and the led of Kyoya's pencil snapped. "Exactly how much did you pay for these doilies?" He asked, trying not to lose his temper. "They were a bargain! They were only 2200円 each!" "And how many of them did you purchase?" Kyoya had his calculator at the ready. "I got a deal for 2000円 off with the purchase of 100!" Tamaki said proudly. "So you managed to spend 218,000円 on useless decorative paper." Kyoya was about to blow a fuse. "Kyoya, why is your face turning red?" Tamaki looked worried. He placed his hand on Kyoya's forehead. "Kyoya! I think you're running a fever!" Kyoya tore Tamaki's hand away in frustration. "I do not. What you're feeling is my blood boiling with contempt for your utter stupidity." Kyoya was aware that he was raising his voice but he couldn't seem to calm himself down. He could feel himself sweating now and his vision beginning to get cloudy. "Kyoya..." Tamaki sounded hurt. "If you would just think before you act then I wouldn't have to work like a commoner as your dog!" Kyoya was panting. "My job has become lower than Haruhi's!" Kyoya swung his hand around and felt it hit something. Then he felt a stinging sensation and quickly turned around to see Haruhi on her knees, the front of her shirt soaked with hot tea. "Oh god. Haruhi." Kyoya was struck with horror. "Someone get a cold towel!" He shouted. "It's okay- Kyoya-senpai." Haruhi said, wincing. "I'm alright." "I sincerely apologize. I intend to pay back any damages I've caused you." Hikaru handed him a cold towel and Kyoya dabbed under Haruhi's chin. "You don't owe me any money senpai. Your apology is enough." Haruhi sounded angry. "Right. Of course. I'm sorry." Kyoya discreetly wrapped his arm around his stomach. Haruhi could see his Adam's apple bob up and down as he swallowed compulsively. "Are you sure you're alright senpai? You don't look so good." Haruhi pushed Kyoya away to get a better look at him. He was clammy and pale, with sweat dripping down his temples. His eyes were glossy and he was breathing uneasily with his mouth open. "What? Yes of course. Let's just worry about you. I'll have someone escort you to the nurse's office." Kyoya sounded flustered. "Maybe you'd better escort me, then you can be checked out as well." Haruhi crossed her arms. Kyoya was finding it harder to swallow as time went by. Then he felt a wave of nausea come over him and it took physical effort not to wince. "Please- excuse me." He turned around and tried to lift himself off the ground. He suddenly felt five times as heavy as usual and he couldn't lift up more than one knee. He covered his mouth as he felt himself stifle a gag. "Kyoya! What is it?" Tamaki ran up to him and put his hands on him to help him up. "I-" Kyoya swallowed reflexively with a hiccup. "I think I need the restroom." He looked at him with desperate eyes and Tamaki's reserve instantly became serious. He threw Kyoya's arm over his shoulder, feeling how limp and weak it was, and helped him walk. "You four are in charge of making sure Haruhi gets escorted to the nurse's office." Tamaki instructed the rest of the host club, and they all nodded with determination. "Don't worry Kyoya. Just hang on a bit longer." Tamaki tried to sound comforting. Kyoya was only semi coherent as he felt like he was burning up from the inside. The only conscious part of him left was controlling his urge to gag. Tamaki dragged him into the back room and shut the door. He led him to the couch, but Kyoya pulled back. Tamaki was confused, until he saw the direction Kyoya was going, and noticed him covering his mouth with his hand. He helped him in the direction of the club's private single bathroom. He carefully lowered Kyoya on the carpeted floor in front of the toilet. As soon as he let go, Kyoya lurched over the bowl, clutching the outside of it. "Please- go." He sounded like he was begging. "But!" Tamaki protested at once. "Please!" Kyoya's voice cracked. Tamaki clenched his fists and narrowed his eyebrows. "No. I won't leave you alone in your condition." "God Tamaki can you ever just-" Suddenly, Kyoya lurched forward with a cough and started gagging. Tamaki found himself frozen. Kyoya took off his glasses which were sliding down his nose and held them in one hand that was still wrapped around the toilet. A burp caught him by surprise and forced him to retch. He placed his hand on his stomach as his muscles clenched. He was clenching he teeth and breathing heavily through his nose. "It's okay Kyoya. You'll feel better you know-" Tamaki touched his shoulder compassionately but he was rejected. "No! I refuse to give in to the whims of my body." There was anger in Kyoya's voice. He used all of his strength and the help of the toilet to push himself up, and started walking away. He only made it as far as the sink before he leaned over it for balance, blinking, as he felt dizzy. He clenched the marble sink tightly and leaned into it with heavy breathing. He felt himself being at the mercy of his body, and he pitched forward with a cough. He was horrified to feel his stomach contents shoot up his esophagus and he covered his mouth with his hand, breathing through his nose. He swallowed, but it was no use. The liquid came back up almost immediately and forced a deep gag out of him, until he felt it hit his tongue and assault him with a putrid taste that burned his throat. He spewed it into the sink forcefully with a terrible sound. Tamaki felt sympathetic as he watched Kyoya's shoulders clenching closer to his ears with each heave. He finally forced himself to stop and he took a breath and ran the tap. He closed his eyes, feeling another wave of sickness coming on shortly after the first one. Tamaki could see he was shaking in his spot so he took him by the arm and guided him back to the toilet. "Come on. If you have to stand any longer, you'll collapse." The moment Tamaki lowered him in front of the toilet, he lurched over it with another gag and came back up panting. "I- I never thought this would happen to me again." "You'll be okay Kyoya. Besides, you have me!" Tamaki pointed to himself with a grin. "Yeah. I'll always be safe with you around." Kyoya said sarcastically, but Tamaki couldn't pick it up. Then Kyoya's face fell, and he leaned back over the bowl with a groan. "I'm forced to remember how dreadful it is being ill. I'll have to remember not to let it happen again." He opened his mouth, trying to control his breathing as he waited for the inevitable. Tamaki cocked his head suddenly and took Kyoya by the hand. "What on earth are you-" Kyoya blushed in surprise and pulled his hand away. "You burnt your hand." Tamaki said, running cold water over a towel and returning to lay it on his hand. "I'm much more worried about Haruhi. I'd feel dreadful if she was badly hurt on my account." Tamaki grinned, humming softly to himself as he tended to Kyoya's hand. "What are you so-urrp cheery about you moron?" Kyoya burped. "Nothing. It's just nice that you care." Tamaki said. Kyoya glowered. "Trust me I won't make a habit of it."